And It Gets Worse

Thursday: A very late night led to waking up feeling a little tired, and with unexpectedly stiff legs. My current mood was not into running today but I managed to drag myself to the park, trying to stick to the plan of doing a longer run today. It was very sunny though with cool winds. I had mango-flavoured Powerade with me, keen to keep trying different drinks, and saving my last SiS sachet for the Sale 5 Mile (if I make it). Before going to bed, I thought about doing 60mins, but at the park, not in the mood to run, I thought I could try 30-40mins. It wasn't a success at all. I started off okay, for around 5mins, but as it went on, I was wishing more I hadn't bothered. Partly too much on my mind, a negative mood and so on, I couldn't focus and felt rather miserable. I really hoped running would rub off on my downbeat mood, but it worked out the other way around. I was struggling after 11mins, kept telling myself I could get through the aches and pains, but the unfocused breathing made it feel worse. The last few mins were an awful experience, I knew I was going too fast to maintain a manageable pace but I was beyond caring, and running uncontrollably, getting very faint and dizzy. I ended up doing 3.96km in 24mins 27secs. The legs ached so strongly and I felt so faint, I ended up collapsing onto the grass for a rest, instead of walking it off. I didn't pass out, I just rested, trying to regain composure. I'm not sure how long I was lying flat out on my stomach, I suddenly realised a car parked a few metres away from me. It was the Park Incident Response Patrol car, the park warden (if that's the correct term) was sitting in the car watching me. Feeling incredibly stupid, I mustered every bit of strength I had to get up (slowly and sipping lots of drink) to show I was fine. The warden didn't leave the car, just watched me walk away (slowly, slightly disorientated for a minute). I found a bench near the lake and sat there to rest, sipping some more drink. Not a great training run, then, obviously. With hindsight, how wise is it to run when one's body and heart aren't in it? To analyse, I could have drunk more water recently, to minimise the faintness, though I think I had a decent breakfast, I wasn't hungry at all. At the end of the day, the legs feel quite ache-y. I really ought to use the calf gel more, I last used it for GMR. The blister on the left foot is dying down, not painful at all, which is good. I thought a lot about today's (rather awful) run and how much my current mood had badly affected it. Even thought seriously, what is the point of running at all. But that isn't me really, just something I'm working through. I looked through old posts earlier, feels so hard to identify with that excited and cheery person, brimming with enthusiasm for running. Monday's race looks very unlikely right now; the other half is unwilling to babysit and the visiting relatives want to leave on Sunday. I have been on the phone, trying to my persuade my mother to stay till after my race. The bitch side of me is not averse to using emotional blackmail in persuading her to stay. Perhaps that tells me how much my running means to me. Or maybe I really need it to mean something to me right now, as little else does, and I miss the enjoyment running usually gives me. Two days of rest now, even though I should have run so much more today. The Sale 5 Mile is in question; uncertainty is a pain in the ass, as well as life in general right now. We may hope for better tomorrow, though holding our breath would be silly.