Fears And Frustrations

Saturday: I awoke this morning, in no mood for a run, switching off the alarm and going back to sleep. When I eventually got up, quite rested, I noticed the weather was cooler, it even rained a little. This spurred me on to go running, but the other half was about to go and study at the library. Just managing to negotiate some training time, I hurried, though remembering to have a good breakfast, plenty of drink, and applied calf gel. I didn't take a drink with me, as I knew this would be a short run due to time constraints. I kept the warm-up short and set off a hastily planned route. It was tough, fatigue set in quickly, but I tried slowing down, which helped now and then. I covered 3.08km in 18mins 58secs, a lot faster than I realised, which is no wonder I am getting all puffed out too soon. Finishing my route was very tough, I struggle much more than I should but it was pleasing I finished and wasn't in such bad shape that I had to stop. Post-run, I felt rather dizzy and had to hold on to railings for balance as I walked home, but it was manageable, I made sure I ended my run close to home incase I felt faint again. I was sweating a huge amount today, really dripping with sweat which surprised me, and I was drinking lots of water for the rest of the day to make up for it. I later went for a walk with the kids, but when I came back, I felt very faint and light-headed, so had a lie-down. It is frustrating right now, feeling like this, almost like being stuck in someone else's body and I am screaming from inside to the body to behave and be normal. The lie-down was a very long one, I had no strength to get up. I eventually stumbled to the kitchen to make tea and toast, which helped. Feeling quite worried about the race now, especially after looking at my training log on fetch. I am not running enough, my mileages/times are too low; my energy levels have dipped dramatically, at the worst possible time, so damn close to the race. I had a dream the other night, that I did the race in 44mins, including having walked which I apparently planned as part of my race strategy. There is no word for how strange that dream felt. I just feel so annoyed right now, the running isn't going as well as it should and there is little time left till GMR. I forgot to have the blood test done today, that is a priority for tomorrow, though the results will come after the race. It's an awful feeling, knowing I am underprepared and that the body isn't doing what the brain wants. I had over 2 litres of water today but still felt weak. Really hoping that things will get better and fast; I set off for every run feeling optimistic, determined and as focused as I can be, but lately, the body seems to be turning against me, and it's very isolating and stressful. There is no way I can't do GMR, I have to do it, got to find some way of dragging this stupid body through 10km, by hook or by crook.